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Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

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Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

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Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusion is called a philosopher.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

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Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Barab�si's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do � whether it is correct or not.

Barab�si's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do � whether it is correct or not.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

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Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

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There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Real life is that big, high-res, high-color screen saver behind all the windows.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

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Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

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I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

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Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

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Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

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Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

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Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

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I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

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About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

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If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

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Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

Anyone who considers arithmetical methods of producing random digits is, of course, in a state of sin.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

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A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

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I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

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My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

If a man does his best, what else is there?

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

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If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

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Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

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The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Love: The warm feeling you get towards someone who meets your neurotic needs.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

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First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

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I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear - kept us in a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor - with the cry of grave national emergency.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

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Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

Always do right- this will gratify some and astonish the rest.

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Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

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What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

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A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

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When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

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Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

If the brain were so simple we could understand it, we would be so simple we couldn't.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Liberty and democracy become unholy when their hands are dyed red with innocent blood.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

I am not young enough to know everything.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

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Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

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If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

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I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

I am not young enough to know everything.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

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Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

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The years of peak mental activity are undoubtedly between the ages of four and eighteen. At four we know all the questions, at eighteen all the answers.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

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The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels�!

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

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Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

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Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

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It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

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Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

Opportunities multiply as they are seized.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

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Elegance is not a dispensable luxury but a factor that decides between success and failure.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

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Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Having the source code is the difference between buying a house and renting an apartment.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

rtxTJK

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

Be tolerant of the human race. Your whole family belongs to it -- and some of your spouse's family too.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

JtWUtgAg

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

Roses are #FF0000 Violets are #0000FF All my base are belong to you!

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

The truth is more important than the facts.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

A man can't get rich if he takes proper care of his family.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

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A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Hello! decbaca interesting decbaca site!

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

IvUrYcq

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

One morning I shot a bear in my pajamas. How it got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies of it.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

The chain reaction of evil -- wars producing more wars -- must be broken, or we shall be plunged into the dark abyss of annihilation.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

Pascal /n./ A programming language named after a man who would turn over in his grave if he knew about it.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

DXUXpWEh

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

I am not young enough to know everything.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

The fear of death is the most unjustified of all fears, for there's no risk of accident for someone who's dead.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

Where are we going, and why am I in this handbasket?

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

When I am working on a problem I never think about beauty. I only think about how to solve the problem. But when I have finished, if the solution is not beautiful, I know it is wrong.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

Success usually comes to those who are too busy to be looking for it

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

I'm not going to get into the ring with Tolstoy.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

We don't make mistakes, we just have happy little accidents.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

Democracy does not guarantee equality of conditions - it only guarantees equality of opportunity.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

The music business is a cruel and shallow money trench, a long plastic hallway where thieves and pimps run free, and good men die like dogs. There's also a negative side

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

gOiKnXMr

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

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Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

My opinions might have changed, but not the fact that I am right.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up and he said 'You've been promoted'. And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said 'You've been promoted again'. And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

We are Dyslexia of Borg. Fusistance is retile. Your ass will be laminated.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Don't sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

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I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

If you put tomfoolery into a computer, nothing comes out of it but tomfoolery. But this tomfoolery, having passed through a very expensive machine, is somehow enobled and no-one dares criticize it.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

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It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

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The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

I do not consider it an insult, but rather a compliment to be called an agnostic. I do not pretend to know where many ignorant men are sure -- that is all that agnosticism means.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

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Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

Happiness is good health and a bad memory.

The bureaucracy is expanding to meet the needs of an expanding bureaucracy.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

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I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

I agree with the reforms, but I want nothing to change

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

As the post said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

The truth is more important than the facts.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

It's not that I'm afraid to die, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

You can pretend to be serious; you can't pretend to be witty.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

To err is human -- and to blame it on a computer is even more so.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

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An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Many a little makes a mickle

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I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Why did God create dentists? -- In his infinite love, he thought it would be charitable to His creatures to let them see what Hell is like, during their lives.

Man has no right to kill his brother. It is no excuse that he does so in uniform: he only adds the infamy of servitude to the crime of murder.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Silence is argument carried out by other means.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

The most important job is not to be Governor, or First Lady in my case.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

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And Bye.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

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When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

Where humor is concerned there are no standards - no one can say what is good or bad, although you can be sure that everyone will.

Devlin's First Law - Buyer beware: in the hands of a charlatan, mathematics can be used to make a vacuous argument look impressive. Devlin's Second Law - So can PowerPoint.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

A doctor can bury his mistakes but an architect can only advise his clients to plant vines.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

If people are good only because they fear punishment, and hope for reward, then we are a sorry lot indeed.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

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All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

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Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

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If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.