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I was raised in the Jewish tradition, taught never to marry a Gentile woman, shave on a Saturday night and, most especially, never to shave a Gentile woman on a Saturday night.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

Why don't you write books people can read?

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Any fool can criticize, condemn, and complain - and most fools do.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

My last cow just died, so I won't need your bull anymore.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Early to rise and early to bed. Makes a male healthy, wealthy and dead.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

It has become appallingly obvious that our technology has exceeded our humanity.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

Pray, v.: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Everybody wants to go to heaven, but nobody wants to die.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

People demand freedom of speech to make up for the freedom of thought which they avoid.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

I criticize by creation - not by finding fault.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

I don't know why we are here, but I'm pretty sure that it is not in order to enjoy ourselves.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

A camel is a horse designed by a committee

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

If there is no Hell, a good many preachers are obtaining money under false pretences.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Whatever is begun in anger ends in shame.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

The pen is mightier than the sword, and considerably easier to write with.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

The significant problems we face cannot be solved at the same level of thinking we were at when we created them.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

Once is happenstance. Twice is coincidence. Three times is enemy action.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... 'til you can find a rock.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

We totally deny the allegations, and we are trying to identify the allegators.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Ask her to wait a moment - I am almost done.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

The company doesn't tell me what to say, and I don't tell themwhere to stick it.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels�!

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I just bought a Mac to help me design the next Cray.

The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues.

True. When your hammer is C++, everything begins to look like a thumb.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

C++: an octopus made by nailing extra legs onto a dog

After every 'victory' you have more enemies.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

Minsky's Second Law: Don't just do something. Stand there.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

I hate those men who would send into war youth to fight and die for them; the pride and cowardice of those old men, making their wars that boys must die.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

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The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

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Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

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I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

When ideas fail, words come in very handy.

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Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

A man can't be too careful in the choice of his enemies.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy next to me.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

The graveyards are full of indispensable men.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

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In harry's existence, at some dated, our inner throw goes out. It is then burst into enthusiasm at hand an contend with with another benign being. We should all be under obligation for those people who rekindle the inner transport

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Instead, I was a painter, and became Picasso.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

Yes, I'm fat, but you're ugly and I can go on a diet.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Everything has been figured out, except how to live.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

I have often regretted my speech, never my silence.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels�!

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Smith & Wesson � the original point and click interface.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

Our children are not born to hate, they are raised to hate.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial.

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

If people can judge me on the company I keep, they would judge me with keeping really good company with Laura.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

There are two ways of constructing a software design; one way is to make it so simple that there are obviously no deficiencies, and the other way is to make it so complicated that there are no obvious deficiencies. The first method is far more difficult.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

A great many people think they are thinking when they are merely rearranging their prejudices.

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

Make everything as simple as possible, but not simpler.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

I can write better than anybody who can write faster, and I can write faster than anybody who can write better.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Gentleman: Knows how to play the bagpipes, but doesn't.

You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest.

Talent does what it can; genius does what it must.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

A radioactive cat has eighteen half-lives.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

In this war � as in others � I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

In science one tries to tell people, in such a way as to be understood by everyone, something that no one ever knew before. But in poetry, it's the exact opposite.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

A mathematician is a device for turning coffee into theorems.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex?

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

In any contest between power and patience, bet on patience.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

You got to be careful if you don't know where you're going, because you might not get there.

I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

One of the symptoms of an approaching nervous breakdown is the belief that one's work is terribly important.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

To understand a man you should walk a mile in his shoes. If what he says still bothers you that's ok because you'll be a mile away from him and you'll have his shoes.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

People who think they know everything greatly annoy those of us who do.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

Sex is like air. It's only a big deal if you can't get any.

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.

I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

I Can't Think Of Anything Reasonable To Counter Your Argument Or Don't Have The Least Inkling Of The Subject So I Will Resort To Name Calling And Hope I Can Get Away With It.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather... not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

The only one listening to both sides of an argument is the neighbor in the next apartment

All sorts of computer errors are now turning up. You'd be surprised to know the number of doctors who claim they are treating pregnant men.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

I'd stop eating chocolate, but I'm no quitter.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

Real Programmers always confuse Christmas and Halloween because Oct31 == Dec25 !

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Why don't you write books people can read?

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

The belief in the possibility of a short decisive war appears to be one of the most ancient and dangerous of human illusions.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.

Millions long for immortality who do not know what to do with themselves on a rainy Sunday afternoon.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

If it wasn't for lawyers, we wouldn't need them.

Behind every great fortune there is a crime.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Some editors are failed writers, but so are most writers.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

Louis Pasteur's theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

Humor is the great thing, the saving thing. The minute it crops up, all our irritations and resentments slip away and a sunny spirit takes their place.

The difference between pornography and erotica is lighting.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

If it wasn't for muscle spasms, I wouldn't get any exercise at all.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

When the rich think about the poor, they have poor ideas.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

Imagine if every Thursday your shoes exploded if you tied them the usual way. This happens to us all the time with computers, and nobody thinks of complaining.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

Throughout American history, the government has said we're in an unprecedented crisis and that we must live without civil liberties until the crisis is over. It's a hoax.

It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

I choose a block of marble and chop off whatever I don't need.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

A pint of sweat, saves a gallon of blood.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

There are people in the world so hungry, that God cannot appear to them except in the form of bread.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

A scholar who cherishes the love of comfort is not fit to be deemed a scholar.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

Object-oriented programming is a style of programming designed to teach students about stacks.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Smith & Wesson � the original point and click interface.

If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign.

The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men to do nothing.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, 'Don't you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' I said 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too'.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Against stupidity the (very) gods themselves contend in vain

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

There is a charm about the forbidden that makes it unspeakably diserable.

The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Beware of bugs in the above code; I have only proven it correct, not tried it.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

The perfect computer has been developed. You just feed in your problems and they never come out again.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Quoting Coulter is kind of like quoting Joe McCarthy; no doubt it does well when you're pandering to a group of like-minded hate mongerers, but it earns you a well-deserved reputation as a vicious, mean-spirited airhead and intellecual lightweight in more analytical and dispassionate circles.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

Everything secret degenerates, even the administration of justice.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Misunderstandings and neglect create more confusion in this world than trickery and malice. At any rate, the last two are certainly much less frequent.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

Is your argument that the Creator of the Universe was working under a deadline and His manager forced Him to rush inefficient designs into production?

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

A little inaccuracy sometimes saves a ton of explanation.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

We've all heard that a million monkeys banging on a million typewriters will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare. Now, thanks to the Internet, we know this is not true.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow human beings, and I hate people like that.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

It was the experience of mystery -- even if mixed with fear -- that engendered religion.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think, vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

I hope life isn't a big joke ... because I don't get it.

I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it.

cuowtpykzsxnrvhspdyb, http://www.rvbuyxutqv.com rlbompordx

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

A physicist is an atom's way of knowing about atoms.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives: Anything that can go wrong, will -- at the worst possible moment.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Attention to health is life's greatest hindrance.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

The shepherd always tries to persuade the sheep that their interests and his own are the same.

One doesn't have a sense of humor. It has you.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

After I'm dead I'd rather have people ask why I have no monument than why I have one.

When you have to kill a man, it costs nothing to be polite.

They have computers, and they may have other weapons of mass destruction.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

A picture is worth a thousand words (which is why it takes a thousand times longer to load...)

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

Computers are useless; they can only give you answers.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

I'm not under the alkafluence of inkahol that some thinkle peep I am. It's just the drunker I sit here the longer I get.

Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot hurrying near.

It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

If you can read this you're not aiming in the right direction.

A state of war only serves as an excuse for domestic tyranny.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

God is a comedian playing to an audience too afraid to laugh.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Humor is a rubber sword - it allows you to make a point without drawing blood.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

The truth is more important than the facts.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

It was God who made me so beautiful. If I weren't, then I'd be a teacher.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

Every nation has its war party. It is not the party of democracy. It is the party of autocracy. It seeks to dominate absolutely.

I heard someone tried the monkeys-on-typewriters bit trying for the plays of W. Shakespeare, but all they got was the collected works of Francis Bacon.

The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

I have spoken many a word, therefore, it is fact.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Why don't you write books people can read?

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

I have come to believe that the whole world is an enigma, a harmless enigma that is made terrible by our own mad attempt to interpret it as though it had an underlying truth.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

The role of the president of the United States is to support the decisions that are made by the people of Israel. It is not up to us to pick and choose from among the political parties.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

Descended from the apes? Let us hope that it is not true. But if it is, let us pray that it may not become generally known.

When you've seen one non-sequitur, the price of tea in China.

The competent programmer is fully aware of the limited size of his own skull. He therefore approaches his task with full humility, and avoids clever tricks like the plague.

It's dangerous to underestimate the intelligence of a customer who grew a business that's successful enough to require a large and complex set of software

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

That is the saving grace of humor, if you fail no one is laughing at you.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

> > > Goodbye to all! Thanks for years of great fun and good > > > business! > > Suicide or MS C++? > Is there a difference? Suicide hurts only once...

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Hi there, what's up you guys???

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

He managed to stupid himself right into the White House.

Hi there, what's up you guys???

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

Pardon him, Theodotus; he is a barbarian, and thinks that the customs of his tribe and island are the laws of nature.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Java, the best argument for Smalltalk since C++.

We have art to save ourselves from the truth.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

Do illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

When you do the common things in life in an uncommon way, you will command the attention of the world.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

A hen is only an egg�s way of making another egg.

A people that values its privileges above its principles soon loses both.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with sense, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

Under conditions of competition, standards are set by the morally least reputable agent.

If the United Nations once admits that international disputes can be settled by using force, then we will have destroyed the foundation of the organization and our best hope of establishing a world order.

Despite the high cost of living, it remains popular.

An effective way to deal with predators is to taste terrible.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

For centuries, theologians have been explaining the unknowable in terms of the-not-worth-knowing.

The cynics are right nine times out of ten.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Of all the enemies to public liberty, war is perhaps the most to be dreaded because it comprises and develops the germ of every other.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Now, now my good man, this is no time for making enemies.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

Sometimes when reading Goethe I have the paralyzing suspicion that he is trying to be funny.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

The artist is nothing without the gift, but the gift is nothing without work.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

I could not possibly fail to disagree with you less.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

My current job sucks so hard, black holes are going green with envy.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

I have an existential map; it has 'you are here' written all over it.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Before C++ we had to code all of our bugs by hand; now we inherit them.

Each problem that I solved became a rule which served afterwards to solve other problems.

Go on, get out. Last words are for fools who haven't said enough.

Computers can figure out all kinds of problems, except the things in the world that just don't add up.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

No one can earn a million dollars honestly.

Sterling's Corollary to Clarke's Law: Any sufficiently advanced garbage is indistinguishable from magic.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

The study of non-linear physics is like the study of non-elephant biology.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

In Germany they first came for the Communists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Communist. Then they came for the Jews, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a Jew. Then they came for the trade unionists, and I didn't speak up because I wasn't a trade unionist. Then they came for the Catholics, and I didn't speak up because I was a Protestant. Then they came for me - and by that time no one was left to speak up.

A poem is never finished, only abandoned.

The dangerous patriot ... is a defender of militarism and its ideals of war and glory.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

If Al Gore invented the Internet, I invented spell check.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

Any man who is under 30, and is not a liberal, has not heart; and any man who is over 30, and is not a conservative, has no brains.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

It's wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.

The Bible was a consolation to a fellow alone in the old cell. The lovely thin paper with a bit of matress stuffing in it, if you could get a match, was as good a smoke as I ever tasted.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

A friendship founded on business is better than a business founded on friendship.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

Distrust any enterprise that requires new clothes.

If women didn't exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

If we knew what it was we were doing, it would not be called research, would it?

Human history becomes more and more a race between education and catastrophe.

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Good teaching is one-fourth preparation and three-fourths theater.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, and sharks for the wife's mother.

Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.

Being on the tightrope is living; everything else is waiting.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

A hen is only an egg’s way of making another egg.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. But, in practice, there is.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

My occupation now, I suppose, is jail inmate.

In all large corporations, there is a pervasive fear that someone, somewhere is having fun with a computer on company time. Networks help alleviate that fear.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending, then having the two as close together as possible.

A child of five could understand this. Fetch me a child of five.

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

Nothing is wrong with California that a rise in the ocean level wouldn't cure.

All I need to make a comedy is a park, a policeman and a pretty girl.

Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

In this world, nothing is certain but death and taxes.

I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I have ever known.

Before the war is ended, the war party assumes the divine right to denounce and silence all opposition to war as unpatriotic and cowardly.

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

The nice thing about egotists is that they don't talk about other people.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world.

When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

If you gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

If you are going through hell, keep going.

Just because bulldozers are used to build highways doesn't mean bulldozers are the best way to travel on a highway.

Ketchup left overnight on dinner plates has a longer half-life than radioactive waste.

Heaven is an American salary, a Chinese cook, an English house, and a Japanese wife. Hell is defined as having a Chinese salary, an English cook, a Japanese house, and an American wife.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

To the Honourable Member opposite I say, when he goes home tonight, may his mother run out from under the porch and bark at him

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another Direction.

The great thing about a computer notebook is that no matter how much you stuff into it, it doesn't get bigger or heavier.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

If you need more than five lines to prove something, then you are on the wrong track

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

I have yet to meet a C compiler that is more friendly and easier to use than eating soup with a knife.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

All things are possible, except skiing through a revolving door.

Cholesterol is your natural defence against excessive circulation of blood, which can carry venoms, poisons and other toxins around your body.

As nightfall does not come at once, neither does oppression. In both instances, there is a twilight when everything remains unchanged. And it is in such twilight that we all must be most aware of change in the air — however slight — lest we become unwitting victims of the darkness.

Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

Far too many development shops are run by fools who succeed despite their many failings.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.

Everything is drive-through. In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

War is not the continuation of politics with different means, it is the greatest mass-crime perpetrated on the community of man.

There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Wit makes its own welcome and levels all distinctions.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?

Moral indignation is jealousy with a halo.

The difference between what the most and the least learned people know is inexpressibly trivial in relation to that which is unknown.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

It is unbecoming for young men to utter maxims.

Invading Iraq after 9/11 was like invading Mexico after Pearl Harbor.

Give me chastity and continence, but not yet.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

[War] might be avoidable were more emphasis placed on the training to social interest, less on the attainment of egotistical grandeur.

A narcissist is someone better looking than you are.

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

All truth passes through three stages. First, it is ridiculed. Second, it is violently opposed. Third, it is accepted as being self-evident.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Not only is there no God, but you try getting a plumber at weekends.

I do not fear computers. I fear the lack of them.

USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Fill what's empty, empty what's full, and scratch where it itches.

Science is like sex: sometimes something useful comes out, but that is not the reason we are doing it

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

The question of whether a computer can think is no more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I don't pray because I don't want to bore God.

A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage.

Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

In this war – as in others – I am less interested in honoring the dead than in preventing the dead.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them.

Some men, in order to prevent the supposed intentions of their adversaries, have committed the most enormous cruelties.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

A [pseudo]random number generator is much like sex: when it's good it's wonderful, and when it's bad it's still pretty good.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

A model is done when nothing else can be taken out.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Total absence of humor renders life impossible.

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

Victory goes to the player who makes the next-to-last mistake.

To jaw-jaw is always better than to war-war.

If you haven't got anything nice to say about anybody, come sit next to me.

In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

If you try and take a cat apart to see how it works, the first thing you have in your hands is a non-working cat.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

Programming is like sex: one mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Oh for pity's sake. HERE. Two pebbles. Two more pebbles. FOUR pebbles. What is WRONG with you people?

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

When I die I'm going to leave my body to science fiction.

Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor like you like to be liked yourself.

I have four children which is not bad considering I'm not a Catholic.

He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt.

My neighbour asked if he could use my lawnmower and I told him of course he could, so long as he didn't take it out of my garden.

Richard Nixon is a no good, lying bastard. He can lie out of both sides of his mouth at the same time, and if he ever caught himself telling the truth, he'd lie just to keep his hand in.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

Everything that can be invented has been invented.

It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing but together can decide that nothing can be done.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

It's impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

Let him who takes the Plunge remember to return it by Tuesday.

The truth is more important than the facts.

Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

If you think it's simple, then you have misunderstood the problem.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

UNIX is simple. It just takes a genius to understand its simplicity.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

Guard against the impostures of pretended patriotism.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

I was playing poker the other night... with Tarot cards. I got a full house and 4 people died.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

Don't be so humble - you are not that great.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

You can only find truth with logic if you have already found truth without it.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

Should array indices start at 0 or 1? My compromise of 0.5 was rejected without, I thought, proper consideration.

It is better to be quotable than to be honest.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Hearing nuns' confessions is like being stoned to death with popcorn.

Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact.

I never miss a chance to have sex or appear on television.

Not everything that can be counted counts, and not everything that counts can be counted.

First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

If there’s one thing I know it’s God does love a good joke.

Humor is the only test of gravity, and gravity of humor; for a subject which will not bear raillery is suspicious, and a jest which will not bear serious examination is false wit.

He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Early to rise, Early to bed, Makes a man healthy but socially dead.

The world is a tragedy to those who feel, but a comedy to those who think.

I've never seen anyone change his mind because of the power of a superior argument or the acquisition of new facts. But I've seen plenty of people change behavior to avoid being mocked.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.

The secret of creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

Cool stuff, thanks for sharing, pretty much on the ball.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight.

Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.

... one of the main causes of the fall of the Roman Empire was that, lacking zero, they had no way to indicate successful termination of their C programs.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

Ah, you know the type. They like to blame it all on the Jews or the Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers.

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

I begin by taking. I shall find scholars later to demonstrate my perfect right.

Men are not disturbed by things, but the view they take of things.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI�!

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI�!

Smith & Wesson — the original point and click interface.

Hofstadter's Law: It always takes longer than you expect, even when you take into account Hofstadter's Law.

Barab�si's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do � whether it is correct or not.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Sailors ought never to go to church. They ought to go to hell, where it is much more comfortable.

In ancient times they had no statistics so they had to fall back on lies.

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Programming is one of the most difficult branches of applied mathematics; the poorer mathematicians had better remain pure mathematicians.

Tact is the ability to tell a man he has an open mind when he has a hole in his head.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.

Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Don't drive me crazy -- it's within walking distance.

The object of war is not to die for your country but to make the other bastard die for his.

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

You'll notice that Nancy Reagan never drinks water when Ronnie speaks.

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

It is much more comfortable to be mad and know it, than to be sane and have one's doubts.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.

DOS Computers manufactured by companies such as IBM, Compaq, Tandy, and millions of others are by far the most popular, with about 70 million machines in use worldwide. Macintosh fans, on the other hand, may note that cockroaches are far more numerous than humans, and that numbers alone do not denote a higher life form.

Computer /nm./: a device designed to speed and automate errors.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

Patriotism means to stand by the country. It does not mean to stand by the president or any other public official...

Write a wise word and your name will live forever.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

Sometimes, the best answer is a more interesting question

Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

Statistics is like a bikini. What they reveal is suggestive. What they conceal is vital.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Humor is just another defense against the universe.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

Barabási's Law of Programming: Program development ends when the program does what you expect it to do — whether it is correct or not.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's because they're such beautiful animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her on the wall.

Wise men make proverbs, but fools repeat them.

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?

C combines all the power of assembly language with the ease of use of assembly language

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.

The worst barbarity of war is that it forces men collectively to commit acts against which individually they would revolt with their whole being.

You cannot depend on your eyes when your imagination is out of focus.

I have never let my schooling interfere with my education.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

It is time I stepped aside for a less experienced and less able man.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.

Testing proves the presence, not the absence, of bugs.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

The trouble with the Internet is that it's replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.

Premature optimization is the root of all evil.

It is the job of thinking people not to be on the side of the executioners.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

O'Toole's Corollary of Finagle's Law: The perversity of the Universe tends towards a maximum.

Why do grandparents and grandchildren get along so well? They have the same enemy -- the mother.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

Three o'clock is always too late or too early for anything you want to do.

If you take something apart and put it back together again enough times, you will eventually have enough parts left over to build a second one.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

An inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly considered; an adventure is an inconvenience rightly considered.

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Death is a low chemical trick played on everybody except sequoia trees.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Ah well, then I suppose I shall have to die beyond my means.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

There is a country in Europe where multiple-choice tests are illegal.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

The man who does not read good books has no advantage over the man who cannot read them.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

Well-timed silence hath more eloquence than speech.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

Democracy is where you can say what you think even if you don't think.

There is no idea so simple and powerful that you can't get zillions of people to misunderstand it.

Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

You have a cough? Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax -- tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where she is!

Be nice to people on your way up because you meet them on your way down.

In America, anybody can be president. That's one of the risks you take.

Politically Correct UNIX System VI Release notes

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

I think 'Hail to the Chief' has a nice ring to it.

We all agree that your theory is crazy, but is it crazy enough?

If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Jesus may love you, but I think you're garbage wrapped in skin.

The man who goes alone can start today; but he who travels with another must wait till that other is ready.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

They laughed when I said I'd be a comedian. They aren't laughing now.

I'm living so far beyond my income that we may almost be said to be living apart.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

We should leave our minds open, but not so open that our brains fall out.

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Every day I get up and look through the Forbes list of the richest people in America. If I'm not there, I go to work.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

There are some experiences in life which should not be demanded twice from any man, and one of them is listening to the Brahms Requiem.

I don't even butter my bread; I consider that cooking.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

The wit makes fun of other persons; the satirist makes fun of the world; the humorist makes fun of himself.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

Gravity cannot be held responsible for people falling in love.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

The de facto role of the US armed forces will be to keep the world safe for our economy and open to our cultural assault.

I am an expert of electricity. My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at the state prison.

The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.

The only rules comedy can tolerate are those of taste, and the only limitations those of libel.

Linux is like living in a teepee. No Windows, no Gates, Apache in house.

Whether you think that you can, or that you can't, you are usually right.

It is now possible for a flight attendant to get a pilot pregnant.

Men have become the tools of their tools.

It is dangerous to be right when the government is wrong.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

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Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.

It is only those who have neither fired a shot nor heard the shrieks and groans of the wounded who cry aloud for blood... War is hell.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me

If you were plowing a field, which would you rather use? Two strong oxen or 1024 chickens?

All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Nine out of ten doctors agree that one out of ten doctors is an idiot.

2 + 2 = 5, for extremely large values of 2.

ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI !

I invented the term Object-Oriented, and I can tell you I did not have C++ in mind.

What is morally wrong can never be advantageous, even when it enables you to make some gain that you believe to be to your advantage.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

Don't let it end like this. Tell them I said something.

I took a course in speed reading and was able to read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It's about Russia.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents.

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.

If you can count your money, you don't have a billion dollars.

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Few things are harder to put up with than a good example.

Hanlon's Razor: Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity.

The most overlooked advantage of owning a computer is that if they foul up there's no law against whacking them around a bit.

I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

If FORTRAN has been called an infantile disorder, then PL/I must be classified as a fatal disease.

Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end.

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.

My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

Anyone who starts a sentence, 'With all due respect ...' is about to insult you.

A sense of humor is part of the art of leadership, of getting along with people, of getting things done.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

Emulate your heros, but don't carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.

We will not learn how to live together in peace by killing each other's children.

The right to swing my fist ends where the other man's nose begins.

You ask me if I keep a notebook to record my great ideas. I've only ever had one.

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

When I am dead, I hope it may be said: 'His sins were scarlet but his books were read.

Getting an education was a bit like a communicable sexual disease. It made you unsuitable for a lot of jobs and then you had the urge to pass it on.

The power of accurate observation is frequently called cynicism by those who don't have it.

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are.

Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

If everything seems under control, you're just not going fast enough.

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

Men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all the other alternatives.

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

There are many kinds of people in the world. Are you one of them?

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

Basically, I no longer work for anything but the sensation I have while working.

Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a 'C', the idea must be feasible.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

The backbone of surprise is fusing speed with secrecy.

You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.

If quantum physics doesn't confuse you then you don't understand it.

Death does not concern us, because as long as we exist, death is not here. And when it does come, we no longer exist.

It's the liberal bias. The press is liberally biased to the right.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

A good sermon should be like a woman's skirt: short enough to arouse interest but long enough to cover the essentials.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

The worst crimes were dared by a few, willed by more and tolerated by all.

Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

If all the world's managers were laid end to end, it would be an improvement.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

Only a free and unrestrained press can effectively expose deception in government.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

I'm trying to see things from your point of view but I can't get my head that far up my ass.

Love is the answer - but while you're waiting for the answer sex raises some pretty good questions.

Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost.

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

Am I lightheaded because I'm not dead or because I'm still alive?

The instinct of nearly all societies is to lock up anybody who is truly free. First, society begins by trying to beat you up. If this fails, they try to poison you. If this fails too, the finish by loading honors on your head.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

Many journalists have fallen for the conspiracy theory of government. I do assure you that they would produce more accurate work if they adhered to the cock-up theory.

The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

The purpose of computing is not numbers but insight.

The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears this is true.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

Life would be so much easier if we could just see the source code.

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

And the clueless shall spend their time reinventing the wheel while the elite merely use the Wordstar key mappings

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

Look at you in war. There has never been a just one, never an honorable one, on the part of the instigator of the war.

Real punks help little old ladies across the street because it shocks more people than if they spit on the sidewalk.

When you hear hoofbeats, think of horses, not zebras.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

Dying is a very dull, dreary affair. And my advice to you is to have nothing whatever to do with it.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist--

Reality is that which, when you stop believing in it, doesn't go away.

The use of anthropomorphic terminology when dealing with computing systems is a symptom of professional immaturity.

All our knowledge merely helps us to die a more painful death than animals that know nothing.

Object-oriented programming is an exceptionally bad idea which could only have originated in California.

Most people would sooner die than think; in fact, they do so.

Thank you for sending me a copy of your book - I'll waste no time reading it.

I am ready to meet my Maker. Whether my Maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.

Argue for your limitations, and sure enough they're yours.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Mother-in-law = A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers.

Support your local Search and Rescue unit -- get lost.

We need either less corruption or more chance to participate in it.

Whenever I climb I am followed by a dog called 'Ego'.

Humor is by far the most significant activity of the human brain.

The opposite of a correct statement is a false statement. The opposite of a profound truth may well be another profound truth.

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out?

Lohr's Law: The future is merely the past with a twist — and better tools.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.

To sit alone with my conscience will be judgment enough for me.

If you believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.

An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.

It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the fight in the dog.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.

Everyone is a genius at least once a year; a real genius has his original ideas closer together.

Incrementing C by 1 is not enough to make a good object-oriented language.

Mit der Dummheit kämpfen Götter selbst vergebens

It is dangerous to be sincere unless you are also stupid.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

The difference between 'involvement' and 'commitment' is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was 'involved' - the pig was 'committed'.

A terrorist is someone who has a bomb, but doesn't have an air force.

Hello! cgcdeae interesting cgcdeae site!

Because I do it with one small ship, I am called a terrorist. You do it with a whole fleet and are called an emperor.

It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

Sometimes a scream is better than a thesis.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

If absolute power corrupts absolutely, where does that leave God?

Many a man's reputation would not know his character if they met on the street.

When did I realize I was God? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself.

The internet is not something you just dump something on. It's not a truck. It's a series of tubes!

Giving birth is like taking your lower lip and forcing it over your head.

Is it not a strange blindness on our part to teach publicly the techniques of warfare and to reward with medals those who prove to be the most adroit killers?

Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit upon his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin slitting throats.

Heav'n hath no rage like love to hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a fury, like a woman scorn'd.

Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped.

'Everything you say is boring and incomprehensible', she said, 'but that alone doesn't make it true.'

There's many a bestseller that could have been prevented by a good teacher.

Death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down. The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

The new Zune browser is surprisingly good, but not as good as the iPod's. It works well, but isn't as fast as Safari, and has a clunkier interface. If you occasionally plan on using the web browser that's not an issue, but if you're planning to browse the web alot from your PMP then the iPod's larger screen and better browser may be important.

It is better to be feared than loved, if you cannot be both.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

A mind all logic is like a knife all blade. It makes the hand bleed that uses it.

TV is called a medium because it is neither rare nor well done.

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

There is only one nature - the division into science and engineering is a human imposition, not a natural one. Indeed, the division is a human failure; it reflects our limited capacity to comprehend the whole.

I have made this letter longer than usual because I lack the time to make it shorter.

Deliver yesterday, code today, think tomorrow.

In the begining there was nothing and God said 'Let there be light', and there was still nothing but everybody could see it.

Learning is what most adults will do for a living in the 21st century.

Paramount among the responsibilities of a free press is the duty to prevent any part of the government from deceiving the people.

I find that the harder I work, the more luck I seem to have.

The only way to combat criminals is by not voting for them.

Raymond's Law of Software: Given a sufficiently large number of eyeballs, all bugs are shallow.

There is no sincerer love than the love of food.

Politicians are like diapers. They should be changed often, and for the same reason.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

Life is pleasant. Death is peaceful. It's the transition that's troublesome.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.

Sex is like a Chinese dinner. It isn't over until everyone gets their cookies.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

The best way to predict the future is to invent it.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

I don't approve of political jokes... I've seen too many of them get elected.

A fast word about oral contraception. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

Java: the elegant simplicity of C++ and the blazing speed of Smalltalk.

Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.

Good people do not need laws to tell them to act responsibly, while bad people will find a way around the laws.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

War doesn't make boys men, it makes men dead.

About the use of language: it is impossible to sharpen a pencil with a blunt axe. It is equally vain to try to do it with ten blunt axes instead.

The covers of this book are too far apart.

Machine. Unexpectedly, I'd invented a time

We didn't lose the game; we just ran out of time.

Never test for an error condition you don't know how to handle.

Violence is the last refuge of the incompetent.

The use of COBOL cripples the mind; its teaching should, therefore, be regarded as a criminal offense.

No mention of God. They keep Him up their sleeves for as long as they can, vicars do. They know it puts people off.

The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should be hushed. A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be propagated.

Momma always said life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get.

Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one.

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'

There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Modern capitalism is not about free markets, it is about building sufficient mass that the market gravitationally collapses around you.

Intellectuals solve problems; geniuses prevent them.

Fill the unforgiving minute with sixty seconds worth of distance run.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I hear Glenn Hoddle has found God. That must have been one hell of a pass.

I'm always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can't understand is, if they don't know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying.

Gigerenzer's Law of Indispensable Ignorance: The world cannot function without partially ignorant people.

I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty.

If a man does his best, what else is there?

The full use of your powers along lines of excellence.

If you give a man a fish, he will eat for today. If you teach him to fish, he'll understand why some people think golf is exciting.

Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

Computer dating is fine, if you're a computer.

The longer I live the more I see that I am never wrong about anything, and that all the pains that I have so humbly taken to verify my notions have only wasted my time.

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat!

Comedy is nothing more than tragedy deferred.

Subtlety is the art of saying what you think and getting out of the way before it is understood.

It is practically imposible to teach good programming to students that have had a prior exposure to BASIC: as potential programmers they are mentally mutilated beyond hope of regeneration.

Once you've written TBicycle, you never forget how.

Absence of evidence is not evidence of absence.

If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

C makes it easy to shoot yourself in the foot; C++ makes it harder, but when you do, it blows away your whole leg.

Physics is not a religion. If it were, we'd have a much easier time raising money.

Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour.

Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love .

Science is what people understand well enough to explain to a computer. All else is art.

Multitasking /adj./ 3 PCs and a chair with wheels !

Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.